Subject: [humor] FAQ for RGMW (repost) From: Tom Beliech Date: Wed, Jan 21, 1998 12:58 EST Sure, we've got a FAQ list, and we've had Murphy's Rules, but we haven't actually gotten around to addressing the oversights we found in the game, have we? Can we answer the questions? Well, I say it's high time, and being the incurable smarty-pants that I am, I hereby present the beginnings of: Frequently Asked Esoteric WH40K Questions (AKA The Frick'n FAQ) Feel free to contribute! 1) Why do all these super-powerful commanders appear with only a few troopers, instead of leading mass forces into battle? Because when they DO lead mass forces, they lose all their powers! Only in Epic40000 do we see a "believable" scale to allow Chaper Masters, Farseers and the like to appear on the field - but ask any Epic40000 player where the Hero's powers go once he makes the change from the 40K to the Epic system... 2) Why are Marine miniatures no bigger than IG Catachan Jungle Fighters? Hey, you ever BEEN to Catachan? I guess not, or you'd know about the water - it's polluted with a chemical that causes people to bulk up without becoming stronger as a result. This chemical seems to have affected a lot of the Guard from other worlds - in fact, most of the Imperium. The process used to make a Marine filters out this chemical, however. 3) Why can I no longer get Sentinels/Thudd Guns/Mole-Mortars/Imperial Jetbikes/Insert obsolete unit here ? Because despite several millenia of using the same equipment (just how long have bolters been around?), the Imperium and company have recently gone through a massive restructing move. A lot of it came from the sudden removal of the dozens of souls that the Emperor used to eat every day; he got REALLY cranky and half the tech-priests of the Imperium were fed to him in an attempt to appease him. Much of the technological knowledge of the Imperium died with these valiant souls. 4) Why did they stop feeding psykers to the Emperor? Simple - when the entire nature of psychic effects changed in the 40K Universe (this is known as the Rogue Trader Schism), the Emperor found that the new psychic powers gave him indigestion. The Emperor much prefers the previous collection of psychic powers in his diet, and has turned to feeding on the minds of the GW Marketing department for sustenance (a venture which has been something of a disaster for the Emperor, whose life force gets little nourishment, as well as the rest of us) 5) Why can't techmarines use Graviton Guns? They found that Vortex Grenades and Graviton Guns explode when in close proximity to each other. Next question. 6) Why do Eldar have so many problems - dying off, jamming weapons, no wheels, gung-ho Farseers, etc - when they are the most technologically advanced civilization in the galaxy? Read the Eldar background material, especially the part about the Eldar Path. Right now, the Entire race is on the great Path of Decline, put there by those who wanted to make sure that Marines win lots of victories, and they will not improve until the Path of Decline has been mastered (of course, by then they may all be Exarchs of the Howling Doldrums aspect...) 7) Why can't the Avatar parry anything? He's too much of a hot head to think about fancy swordplay. Of course, when your weapon is a spear one day, a sword the next, and a plunger the day after that, you tend to be darned happy that the thing can actually cause some damage. 8) Where are the Squats? "The Toilet" is the sarcastic answer. Many rumors exits - that GW is holding them hostage, that they went "over the rainbow", or that they mutated into full human Imperial Guard and were all eaten by Tyranids. Investigations continue as we speak. 9) How do Orks Breed? They don't. Squigs come from mold, Orks come from squigs. The orks deny this because they don't want to be known as cannibals - bloodthirsty, nasty, tough, brutal, and ferocious, yes, but not cannibals. Any evidence to the contrary is pure fluff conjected by Gretchin, who like to play with orks' minds as a payback for being used as screening troops. 10) Why hasn't everyone gotten together to whoop on Chaos or the Tyranids, if they're such threats? Are you kidding? Who would they have to shoot at then, each other? Oh wait, they already do. Considering that the best tactical geniuses of the "good guys" haven't figured out the effective use of Artillery and Orbital bombardment, are you really surprised at a lack of campaigning ability? 11) How can a puny Guardsman with a sword parry a Bloodthirster's axe, or a Terminator's powerglove? Because the sword is the underground holy symbol of the 40K universe, and all attacked with a sword must act clumsy to show the honor of being smitten by such a weapon. Of course, if you have a sword too, then it cancels the other one out. 12) Aren't Skulls the holy symbol of the Universe, though? No, no more than shoes are the holy symbol of Current Earth. Just because everybody HAS them doesn't mean they're special of anything. 13) Why does the Fluff contradict the rules so often, and vice versa? Because I am the mightiest of all posters, and none may post without my permission. I have ST10 and Toughness 10. Newbies quake in my presence. Miniatures paint themselves when I open the paint bottles. Now, if only I could get that fluff into the rules of life... but for some reason, my fluff never seems to get past the guys writing the rules. Makes great press, though. 14) Why are prices so high? Because people pay them. Also because in the war-torn universe of the 41st millenium, they've forgotten how to subtract and can only add. Which is why people are always fighting - what else can you do when you fail basic math? 15) For the last time, just what IS cheese? A dairy product. I like it on pizza and nachos. Anyone saying anything else just doesn't know the difference between wargaming, where the idea is for EVERYONE to have fun, and single player video games, where your opponent's (the computer) only purpose in life is to get beaten so you feel good about yourself. Capiche? 16) What ever happened to Rogue Trader? Funeral services were held several years ago - I guess you missed them. Some say RT never died. Other believe that GW keeps getting plagued by a mage using a "forget" spell, which causes them to keep forgetting anything that isn't making immediate cash. So say evolution. Personally, I think it DID die, but it's spirit was reincarnated in such companies as Ground Zero Games, Enigma, Demonblade and Heartbreaker. Praise be and pass the diagrams for building Grav-Attack tanks! 17) What happened to White Dwarf? It used to be so different... In the words of Yogurt (aka Mel Brooks), "Merchandising, Merchandising!" They seem to feel that the Citadel Journal, which almost no one has access to, is the proper medium for doing really neat, new stuff, while White Dwarf, circulated almost everywhere, is better for putting ads in. As for doing articles for other game systems, it's a religious change. The company no longer believes that other systems exist. Also, the Orks staged a revolt, and because they prefer pretty pictures to text... 18) Which is the best army? Whichever one just won. Or looks good painted. Or sells best. Or has delicious tasting minis (get your parents permission before tasting minis, otherwise DON'T DO IT!) 19) Why don't Tyranids just grow their own food and settle planets instead of stripping them bare? Ellen Ripley asked a similar question to a Tyranid. The only answer she got was a hiss and a general sound of digestive juices flowing. Besides, some say the Tyranids began as intergalactic garbagemen who got splattered by toxic waste, so now they're obsessed with trashing everything. And really, what do you expect them to do, write letters of intent before calmly occupying habitable planets? 20) Why is everyone in rec.games.miniatures.warhammer so uptight? Grarararagh! Gulp slurp much chew... Er, whoops, I mean, the prices suck, er I mean, shutup you whiny, no that's not right, you cheeser, no no, not that, orkz rool, no... Oh, I remember. Because we're a bunch of people spending their spare time simulating massive, bloody conflict in a Universe that would as soon use you for spare genetic material as look at you. Any wonder we're so cranky? Hope that clears up a few issues... Tom Beliech (no one has stopped me yet... muahaha!)